Conscious

When I started dating boy, I ended up losing my best friend. It sucked. Hard. But I guess that’s life and I just have dealt with it. I hate myself for saying this, but I haven’t got over him. And that really sucks. I used to look a little bit down on people who just couldn’t let go, but now I am one of them. Well, I am not expressing this to anyone. I do not initiate to conversation with him. I keep my distance simply because that is what ex-girlfriends are supposed to do. I think that from day-to-day, it doesn’t bother me much, but when I am all alone in front of my computer, it does. I use way too much time on his FB page… I just realized that I sound pathetic. Really pathetic. I guess I am. As just mentioned, I am crazy busy so it isn’t a problem unless I’m alone. Something I rarely am since I am living together with F.

Yeah, that’s right. I am living together with F. Things are in fact great. He is the nicest BF ever. He is taking me to Istanbul for our one year anniversary. I really look forward to that. He is a way better catch than boy. He has even managed to make me come by going down on me. No one has ever managed that. But he really takes his time. So I should be happy. I am happy. Nevertheless, I miss the best friend I used to have in high school.

Love Mandy

I don’t wanna do it if Diddy did it!

I apologize in advance for the title. I don’t know why, but the South Park episode where Satan holds a Halloween party up on earth has been in my head since I left work. Work is btw great. I have been in a a board meeting for the organisation almost the whole day because we had to go over some economical stuff, which took a while. Anyways, I’m home and really have to study. I have decided to try to blog once a day now. I really want to be this wonder woman who gets everything done 🙂

The last news is that we have told F’s parents that we are together. We did it last night and I still have no idea how they react to this information. I know that his mother started crying after I had left. I think I understand too. In her head, it wasn’t this was it was supposed to be. F should get himself a nice Muslim, Pakistani girls from a good family and with a good education. They should  get married and have a lot of kids. They shouldn’t be dating since that’s forbidden in Islam. I have no idea how this will end. I guess time will tell… I have been a little freaked out by the no reaction they had, but now I’m fine. We are going to my parent’s this weekend. It will be the first time F is introduced to them. I look forward to it.

I had a fight with Boy last evening. I am pretty sick of him wanting to be friends, but at the same time not committing to the friendship. Maybe I shouldn’t be friends with him. In fact, the situation being, I cannot really see how we are. The initiative have to be mutual, which it isn’t. Frankly, I do not even care anymore.  Who am I kidding, I DO care. F***!

Love Mandy

Living and learn

I came back home after a week-end at my folk’s house.It was great coming back. It was great seeing F again. Really cool with the I- haven’t-seen-you-in-a-long-time-sex.

Not so cool with the ex-boyfriend who rants about this broken heart and expect me to tell him what to do.

I did though. What I have learned about bad break-ups is that there is no point beating oneself up. You only can hope to realize that if someone hurts you and make you feel bad, it’s your responsability to leave them.

And I have to tell the person who dumped me this! God damn it…

Love Mandy

Numbers

One of my best friends is staying at our place now. She is working at the restaurant while F and I have ourfinals. It is nice. The plan was that she and I should sleep together in the bed and F on the coach. Needless to say, it didn’t work. F couldn’t sleep without me and was starting to get quite frustrated just after two nights. Now we are sleeping in the kitchen on a very thin skid. But at least we’re together right?

Another problem is that we cannot exactly keep up the our sex life as we want. We have to wait until we are alone. It isn’t anything wrong with it. It’s ok. Nevertheless, it is a little weird to plan every intercourse…

Maybe this is why I have been posting all crancy lately…

Love Mandy

I’m being so healthy I could puke

My ex boyfriend, Boy, is has just been dumped. Well, he didn’t really know for sure so he wanted me to use my girl powers and tell him what she really meant in a mail she send him.

What she said was something like this:

I am really sorry. I do not want to hurt you, but I need to be alone right now to figure things out.

We have all been through this. Some BF/GR who just hadn’t the nerve to say “it’s over” in a clear way. Because when you are so deeply in love, you try to reassure yourself with the “she/he only needs some time and then she/he will come back. It isn’t really over”. But we all know deep inside it really is.

I’m sorry to be a heart breaker. I am sorry I am the one to break it to you Boy. I truly think you deserve better.

Love Mandy

Ps. Have you recognized that I am giving my ex relationship advice? Jeez… I am so healthy I could puke…

No quitter!

Yesterday someone searched using the sentence “should I quit”. It is something I have been thinking a lot of lately. F and I have planned to tell his parents about us. We have also thought about moving in together, something we are also going to tell them about. In a situation like that, I have two choices. I can either quit before we tell them so I won’t have to deal with their reaction, or I can stay and force them to interact with me. By staying, I am telling them that I am serious and that I am not afraid of what they might think or what the consequences might be. Actually, I am scared, but that is not the message I want to send. I want to make the point that I still want to be a part of the restaurant, even though I am dating their son. I am not courageous. I am terrified of how they are going to react, but I think it is the right thing to do. Moreover, in that way, F is not alone facing his parents. I think that might help him, because admitting that you are having a relationship with a white chick and having sex with her before marriage, to your Muslim parents who wants you to marry your Pakistani cousin, can be pretty ugly…

Love Mandy

Catching up

It has been a while since I have posted now. The reason? I’m having my finals coming up in May and I have much less time now as I am having a boyfriend. I am also trying to be more with my family to show them that I am not changing. It can be a little hard since they are not being very supportive. Anyhow, that is not really an issue I can make mine. I mean, they are the ones having a difficult time accepting I have a brown boyfriend, not me.

As far as ex-boyfriends go, I have dreamt a lot of them lately. Not Boy, but the first one who totally crushed my sweet sixteen heart. I am dreaming that he wants me back and I refuse because he kind of repulses me. Boy has actually talked to me and we have agreed to try to re-bond. I kind of like it. We have agreed that it was nice, but it is now too late and that it will not happen anything romantic between us ever again. That feels good. I have closure.

Love Mandy

Have I been a bad girl?

Lately I have been having a lot of sex. A lot. At least twice a day. Sometimes more. Sometimes several times before we hit the sac. And than again in the morning before we get up or in the shower. I have told him one of my darkest secrets and he has told me about his first and second wet dream. Which both were really sweet. Yet he thought they are embarrassing, so I won’t kiss and tell. What I can do is tell you about my first fantasy, which really is embarrassing. I have already told F and yes, he thought is was kind of bad too. It is. I know. It is sort of a daddy complex and that explains so much of why I have had some issues whenever I felt I was disapointing the male authority persons in my life. I have had this fantasy for a long time and I guess I still have it in me.

It is an older man who, for a reason I ignore, take an interest in me. He is a authority person. Sometimes I work for him, sometimes he is a sort of teacher or just an older and more experienced male. Anyway, he is strong and quite dominant. He comes into my room late at night and tells me to take off my clothes. I am a little afraid of him, but at the same time, I know I have to do what he says, or I’ll get in trouble. When I am completely naked, he starts toughing me and telling me what he will do with me down to the smallest detail. This really turns me on. He says I am going to be his for some time and that he will teach me how to satisfy him. Then he firmly says that if I do not do as he says right a way, he’ll punish me. Oh yeah, spanking. Then, he makes me giving him head and we make love all night.

I might have left the spanking part out because it is frankly quite weird. Well, not that it is anything wrong with it, but I do not like to admit it. I am a strong woman who has her life together, so it is quite embarrassing that my first fantasy was to be dominated in bed by an older dude. Anyway, he took it with a smile. Guess it wasn’t so bad telling after all.

 Love Mandy

Fears

Fears that I keep inside. Why talk? Denial, ignore. These are words that have been very useful to me in the past.

1. Becoming pregnant, even though I am on the pill, my period is a little late.

2. Screwing things up by making him uncomfortable and afraid since I told him I cannot climax with a man.

3. Fear that he will become something I will have to deal with or pressure me.

Love Mandy

Say hello to my little friend

Have you noticed that when people talk about sex, it’s always great. Always. And you feel like a complete idiot because you know that it doesn’t always work that way? Does this sound familiar? You are not alone.

I am going to admit something I have never told a soul. Until yesterday. I have never had a clitoral orgasm with a boy. In fact, the only way I have experienced one is with the though of my little friend. This is not something you want to brag about. And as a woman, I would never say it to my mate. This doesn’t mean I am faking it. When he goes down on me, I love it. It feels really good and I wouldn’t change it for anything. Yet, I do not climax. I have never told anybody because I am afraid of hurting his feelings. I can only imagine how I would reacted if I discovered that I couldn’t make my partner climax. That would be a serious damage to my self confidence. Also, I haven’t told anybody because secretly I do not want to be that vulnerable in front of somebody else. Anyway, I have a lot of small reasons I tell myself to make it sound better. Of course, I have no excuse.

Yesterday, F and I lay in his bed and he asked me about how things work with me. I hesitated, then I told him that I have never reached orgasm without an electric toy. It was pretty embarrassing for me to say it. And obviously, he did not like to hear it. He was glad that I told him, but his first reaction was (obviously) that his manly self esteem was hurt.

We talked it through. He had some trouble performing in the evening. We re-talked it over. I want him to be a part of it. He think he is ready. We did it again this morning. It was tender and quite nice. I really have the best boyfriend ever.

Love Mandy