The L-word

So… It has been said. One night. We were wrapped up in each others’ arms. We were kissing and he said it.

“I love you”

Three little words. Just like that. So easy. Natural.

I guess I looked a little surprised because he repeated it. Smiled and hugged me. A lot of things went through my head. I do not have issues with these words. Not anymore. Everything felt right. I want it so bad. Yet, it was maybe too soon. Aren’t there rules for this? According to some religious and cultural rules, we shouldn’t even be doing what we were doing, so I decided to screw the rules. Normal is the watchword.

“I love you too”

There. It’s said. I’m vulnerable again.

Love Mandy

This isn’t about me, so suck it up

We all have more or less emotional baggage from previous and failed relationships. We have been hurt, we have hurt people on the way and we might have trust issues. So how can we start something new?

I am 20 years old. I have baggage and I am terrified of making the same mistakes. Especially with a man I actually like. A lot. Our relationship is a bit problematic. We are grown-ups and yet, we have to hide it from hisparents who are Muslims. There’s an issue that he is dating a white and christian girl (though I am not really practising my religion). He told me that some years ago, his sister had to say no to a boy because grandmother back in Pakistan thought he was the wrong kind of Muslim. Now, she is however engaged to a white man and his family just have had to suck it up. Anyway, we work together and we obviously have to act professional and keep PDA* to a minimum. Two days ago, we had the possibility to kiss to say goodbye at work, but we didn’t. I took it personally.

In my previous relationships, I have really felt taken for granted. One sign of that, have been a lack of affection. The reason why I take this personally, is that I am afraid of not being good enough. I am aware that this is a problem I have in my head and that it isn’t real. That’s why I have to suck it up, get over my issues because this isn’t about me, but about his parent (my boss) and their issues.

Love Mandy   

*Public Disposed Affection

Boyfriend material

These last weeks has been quite strange. I have hung out with F a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. We have gone to the movies, the theatre, we have eaten out, at home, watched Flight of the Concords, the office, funny games us and much other stuff. Every time, I have slept over at his place. In his bed. Next to the wall. With him. And nothing has happened. Until yesterday night. He took me to a really cosy French restaurant after we had watched a play, which by the way was absolutely awesome. A piece after a book of the Norwegian writer Knut Hamsun who also got the Nobel Price of litterature. Anyway, we went home to him. Played scrabble. I won, as usual and I was actually very tired so we hit the sac. But as usual when we sleep together, we could not fall asleep. We had a pillow fight, talked a lot of nonsense and stared at each other for hours. 

After a while, he asked me what I was thinking about and I told him that I thought about the guy who plays Hayden Panettiere in Bring It On All Or Nothing, because I were so happy and I thought I had the same dorky smile. Then I said that usually, it’s the girl who asks that question and I asked him the same. He did not answer. I asked if it was serious. He remained silent and I said that if he wanted, I could just leave it. Aftera few more minutes, I had nearly fallen asleep, basically he told me that he was in love with me but that it did not need to change anything and that he would just keep ignoring his feelings. Hearing that from the the boy I have been into for months sat me a little out and I took a deep breath. A pause. And I told him that I felt the same way about him. And we kissed. And it was great. The passion of two people who has been into each other for a long time, but who never has done anything about it and the experience of something new.

So I guess I have a boyfriend now.

Love Mandy

Ps. For those who wonder, first base only. But it’s cool. I am so wonderfully happy 😀

He brought me coffee and a croissant!

I slept at D’s place last night. It seems like our time together is just filled with passion for one another. I enjoy it so much, and without further ado, i guess you could say he does too..

Last night he put on some nice, calm music and welcomed me with a kiss. Just coming in to the room made me feel so at home and turned on. He started kissing my neck and slowly emerged downwards. He kissed my shoulders gently and undressed me smoothly. I don’t usually just lie there, but last night I gave in to the passion of being passive. And man, it’s nice to be passive sometimes. Lieing there being fumbled with, being touched, being fucked gently and hard at the same time. MY GOD, that’s passion for me! ( I came twice, just for the record!!)

To put it mildly, I am not the typical morning person, I am pretty sure my friends, and especially my roomie can vouch for that. I heard him leave this morning, and figured he was going to the bathroom or something. Then about 15 minutes later he comes home with coffee and croissants. This is probably one of the sweetest things you can do for a girl in the morning, bringing her coffee and breakfast. Needless to say, he is adorable and I am falling.

With kisses of coffee and a little croissant, a little bit of sunshine and with lots of love, Betty!!

It’s a date then, or at least a late dinner

Coworker called me yesterday to invite me over to is place Thursday. I believe his exact words was “Mandy, I want to cook for you” which kind of made me smile. As you surely know, there is a common belief that when a woman wants to cook for you, she does also want to sleep with you. However, this probably does not apply to the male part of the population. Moreover, this will be the second time he has made me a meal and nothing has happened. I might just take a shot and kiss him as I start to have some serious fantasies about him. I also have to break the pattern of being a coward when it comes to these kind of situations. Yeah… I think I may try that out…

Love Mandy

The other

My friendship with co-worker has reached the point where we have opened up to the other about our love-life situation. And guess what. He has been in love with a girl for 3 years. We were talking about a journalist our age who writes for a journal we both like. He told me he had met the journalist trough a girl he “had been in love with” for 3 years. To this information he added: “I think we have kind of the same problem.” I have earlier briefly mentioned my ended relationship with boy to him and that I now have cut off all contact with him. And I guess I said something about doing quite fine even if I maybe shouldn’t. That probably explains co-worker’s last statement even though it isn’t really a problem anymore. Boy is history and I am actually quite fine with it.

Anyway, this probably means that he still is on love with her and in that case, it would be stupid for me to make a move. A part of me is realised because now, I do not need to get myself together and kiss him, but the other part is, I hate to admit it, jealous. Co-worker explained me what he is reading in philosophy (that is what he is studying at the university) and I couldn’t help but thinking that the girl he is in love with must be someone extraordinary simply because he is such a great, cool, interesting and handsome person. I consider myself as a good girl and someone easy to be in a relationship with, but I may be a little afraid of not being able to compete with a person like that. It is also possible that I make up this perfect version of her in my head, something which is quite easy since I don’t know her at all.

On the other hand, there is a small possibility that he is no longer in love, or that he is heartbroken. I do not know how that is any better though. Maybe it isn’t. One thing is at least sure: now I really don’t know what to do!

Love Mandy 

PS. School and work is killing me. It cannot go on like this. I cannot study 8 hours a day and then work 7 hours in the evening/ at night. Just had to get that out. Most likely, I will just continue working my butt off.

He is just soooo gorgeous!!

Oh yeah, I did it again! I might have told you about the dance on last friday, well, long story short, I was drunk. Bottom line, me and my roomie thinks the same guy is superhot(which he is btw, really really gorgeous!). Well, to my story, this was the night of ultimate hook up and being shitfaced! Me, as I am usually not an exeption, was drunk too(not shitfaced, it didn’t get that far, I was too busy!!), well, we had this preparty, and ofcourse(well, let’s call him the german boy) the german boy was there, we hang with the same people so there wasn’t any big deal! Me and my roomie got drunk, as I have allready told ya, and he got more and more interested in talking to us, BOTH of us.. Confusing, well, as the girls we are we went to have a pep-talk in the restrooms. Topic? Which one of us should go for him, and which one of us does he want? We decided, as the idiots we are when drunk that he decides, I said, no bad feelings if he choose you, and she almost said the same thing back! Have you guess the outcome of this story yet? Well, off we go down to the real party, all 100+ of us! Packed auditorium, loads of people, loud music and cheap wine and beer. We danced, he danced, with us, with me, with her, and with me, then he kissed me! In my head: “SHIT, FUCK, SHIT, Oh god he is so hooooot!!!” Even longer story short, I went with him to his room, turned out he’s not just gorgeous, but he is so nice as well, problem now: kinda have some butterflies in my stomach whenever I see him, and hoping to see him wherever I go, I feel like I’m in this really bad soap-opera, cause everywhere I go, I meet him! Fancy that(does that EVER happen in real life??) We make eye-contact, a little flirting but nothing more, I really want something more, does anyone wanna give me some input on this one? I have no idea, I feel lost in my own little fantazy and I have no idea what to do except wait and flirt! HELP me!!!

Kiss kiss kiss (yes I wanna kiss him again!)

Betty!!

(btw, I just feel this is the most unmature post I have written in ages, I feel though, like I am 14 right now, and had a little hope in my mind that would go away as I grew older, but now it’s here again, even at my age!)

Drunkposting

I’m drunk. I have just finished two bottles of wine with my sister and my friend who is living with me. It is quite fun to have a girls night. Anyway, it is just to say that I think that I am over Boy. I haven’t even wanted to drunk dial him once. And I think that is quote an achievement coz mmaaan, I am drunk… heheheee on the other hand, I want to call my co-worker coz he is nice. And the fact that he is smart kind of turns me on 🙂 I am surprised that I managed to make the links to “co-worker” and “boy”, I am almost proud

Btw, Betty is in the USA at the moment… I miss you! Wish you were here! And being drunk makes me want to make out with u.

Loooove Mandy