The L-word

So… It has been said. One night. We were wrapped up in each others’ arms. We were kissing and he said it.

“I love you”

Three little words. Just like that. So easy. Natural.

I guess I looked a little surprised because he repeated it. Smiled and hugged me. A lot of things went through my head. I do not have issues with these words. Not anymore. Everything felt right. I want it so bad. Yet, it was maybe too soon. Aren’t there rules for this? According to some religious and cultural rules, we shouldn’t even be doing what we were doing, so I decided to screw the rules. Normal is the watchword.

“I love you too”

There. It’s said. I’m vulnerable again.

Love Mandy

Being slightly cynical!

I got dumped last week… Not that I would not be heartbroken a couple of days later anyway, but he wanted to ‘spare his friends feelings’. His friend is madly in love with him.. And he did not want to hurt her anymore since she gets hurt when she sees him with me..
YEAH RIGHT!!!! Found out later they have probably been sleeping together while he was sleeping with me….

Rule number one: Don’t you ever dump a girl with the excuse that there is another girl.
Rule number two: If you do break rule number one, tell the fucking TRUTH!!

I am sort of in the process of giving up on falling in love. Maybe I am being cynical but it seems like every time I do fall in love (or fall in some way or another), I end up getting dumped for another girl.. Which sucks, and gives me bad selfconfidence! Which, quite frankly wasn’t so good to begin with! I dream of him, and I feel bad for my ex, which really really want’s me back, even though I don’t think I want him, at least not for now! My heart belongs in another country(for the moment), to a boy I cannot have, and in a country I do not live! The sad truth! I will get over it, and to be quite honest I am not devistated, more so, I am disappointed and slightly sad, for the reason that he dumped me, but also because he is a good friend I have no idea when I’ll see again!

I kissed my ex last night, and felt… less… I guess that is the best way to describe it. I felt less than I expected to and hoped for! And the worst part, I don’t know how to tell him.. I have no idea! I don’t want to break his heart, but at the same time, mine is slightly broken and do not have the opportunity to take in more feelings at this time!

Anyone have any good ideas, and cheerful words?

XO Betty!

Pure as snow

Are your holidays getting long? Pepp and zing it up with a purity test.

I have always thought I was pretty pure and innocent.  

1. had a date? yes
2. had a blind date? no 
3. been out on a date past 4 a.m.? yes. F and I used to watch a movie, then we would talk to 5 a.m. Now, we usually get familiar on another level… 
4. danced cheek to cheek? yes
5. kissed an MOS (member of the opposite sex)? yes
6. engaged in definitely sexual activity on the first date? no, no and no!
7. kissed an MOS in the horizontal position? yes
8. kissed an MOS in the last three months? yes!
9. been french kissed? hell yeah! it’s mainly my favourite occupation at the moment!
10. had or given a hickey? yes
11. necked? yes
12. necked for more than two hours consecutively? yes…
13. seen a naked post pubescent MOS? of course
14. been seen naked by an MOS after puberty? idem
15. seen a stripper? actually not
16. had an orgasm? yup
17. had an erection, clitoral erection? yes
18. been engaged or married? no
19. read a pornographic book or magazine? yes
20. seen a pornographic movie? yes
21. had an alcoholic drink? yes
22. been drunk? I guess so
23. used alcohol to lower an MOS’s resistance?  no!
24. had a loss of conscious due to drinking?  no
25. smoked tobacco? no
26. smoked pot or hashish? nope 
27. used cocaine? no
28. used LSD, PCP, heroin, or Mushrooms? no
29. used four or more recreational drugs in one night? hehe, no
30. been arrested? no, I’m a law student for god’s sake 😛
31. been convicted of a crime? no
32. massaged, been massaged by an MOS? oh yeah…
33. caressed or kissed an MOS’sthigh? yes, it’s all a part of our looove foreplay 😛
34. fondled a girl’s breast, had your breasts fondled? yes, idem
35. fondled an MOS’s butt? yes
36. fondled an MOS’s genitals? yes
37. had your genitals fondled? yes
38. had an orgasm due to manipulation by an MOS? yes
39. manipulated an MOS to orgasm? yes
40. showered bathed, jacuzzied or saunaed with an MOS? yes
41. gone coed skinny-dipping? yes…
42. undressed or been undressed by an MOS? yes
43. had sexual intercourse? yes
44. had sexual intercourse more than ten times? yes
45. had sexual intercourse with a virgin? yes, and chances are I will do it again soon. At least, I think he is…
46. had sexual intercourse outdoors? yes…
47. had sexual intercourse in three or more times in one night? yes
48. had sexual intercourse in three or more positions? yes
49. had sexual intercourse in a car? no, not as I recall
50. had sexual intercourse with two MOSes within 24 hours? no
51. had sexual intercourse using a condom? yes
52. had sexual intercourse during menstruation? yes
53. had sexual intercourse at the MOS’sparents’ house? yes, that was our only possibility as teenagers
54. had sexual intercourse with 3 or more people separately? soon yes
55. had sexual intercourse continuously for 1/2 hour? yeah
56. had sexual intercourse within the last three months? soon yes
57. had anal intercourse? yes
58. purchased contraceptives in a drugstore? yes
59. (arranged, had) an abortion? no
60. traveled over 100 miles for the sole purpose of intercourse? no, not for the sole purpose
61. described a sexual experience to a third party? yepp
62. spent the night in an MOS’s room? all the time
63. slept with an MOS? yes
64. committed statutory rape? noo
65. been propositioned by a prostitute or a pimp? noo, even though I have to wait for the buss in the red part of town after work, I have never had any problems.
66. accepted? hehe, no
67. engaged in cunnilingus? yes
68. engaged in fellatio? yes
69. gone 69? yes
70. tasted semen? yes
71. unintentionally interrupted a couple in a state of undress? no
72. masturbated? yes
73. masturbated with another person in the room? yes
74. masturbated to a picture? yes
75. been caught masturbating? yes… my mom walked in on me once… she didn’t see anything though. Jeez, ever heard of nocking??
76. watched another person masturbate? yes
77. simulated intercourse with an inanimate object? yes
78. been propositioned by a homosexual? no
79. accepted? no
80. picked up a strange MOS for sexual purposes? no
81. experimented sexually before puberty? not really
82. had a Wasserman V.D. test? no
83. had V.D.? no, have always been extremely careful
84. shacked up with an MOS for a month or more? yes
85. committed an act of exhibitionism (moon, streak, flash)? no
86. engaged in intercourse in a public place? yes
87. engaged in intercourse with an unconscious person, while conscious? no
88. impregnated a woman, been pregnant? no
89. committed incest? no
90. engaged in group sex? sort of 
91. fondled a pre-pubescent MOS when your were post-pubescent? no!
92. engaged in transvestitism for sexual enjoyment? no
93. been masturbated by a member of the same sex? no
94. orally stimulated a member of the same sex? no
95. used a form of sexual lubricant? yes
96. engaged in bondage? no
97. engaged in sadomasochism for sexual enjoyment? no
98. committed an act of voyeurism? no
99. visited an orgy parlor? no
100. committed bestiality? no

With my 41 % pure, I’m a little less pure than average. That’s not too bad.

Hm…

Why do parents need to make things much more complicated than they really are? I would never have believed this, but it is a real issue that I have a brown boyfriend. We have the same nationality and he was born and has grown up in this country. His parents though are from Pakistan, but they have lived here for 25 years. Why is this an issue? Why do I have to come home for the holidays and listen to worried parents who tell me that they do not like “this situation“? This is not my issue so I won’t turn it into one. Anyway, it pisses me off! I’m a grown-up for for God’s sake!

Love Mandy

In the process of breaking my own heart..

Not because I intend to, and definately not because I want to! Actually, I am trying to not feel anything. Distance myself. This seems to be almost impossible though! Last night a tear fell down my cheeks and my heart hurt so that I could not sleep. Who said life was easy… The weird thing being: I am in the process of breaking my own heart, yet I am having the time of my life! I feel that this is just what one has to go through, and even though it hurts, I know that it just have to happen! I will get over it, I will manage, my heart will heal. I will survive! I am having the best time of my life, great sex and I am heartbroken 😀 What more could one wish for? Isn’t life supposed to be about living? And if one does not get hurt, one does not live life to the fullest, right?
Love Betty!!!

All you need is love

I am so freaking madly in love. I go through my days flying on this pink crazy cloud called love. I have spent the night at F’s place. We went there after work. We, or mostly he since I do not have the keys and because he’s the boss’ son, closed up the restaurant and walked home to his apartment. We showered, separately and went to bed. I really love to be with him. We hold each other, talk, laugh, giggle about silly stuff and make out. I know this sounds cliché and me saying it sounds cliché sounds cliché, but it feels so right. I know that according to his parents belief, what we have done should qualify both of us to a v.i.p lounge in hell. If there ever was any doubt about that, we pretty much crossed that line last night.

I do not remember how, but once during the night, I turned my back to him and we were laying in the spoon position. He was kissing my neck and began to caress my breasts. Then, he started kissing my ear. This might sound a little weird, but I go completely crazy whenever somebody gives my ears that kind of attention. It really turns me on. At this point we both were breathing heavily and I reached the point where I just give up on trying to have any control at all. I reached out to his hip, caressed his back and rubbed my butt against him. I turned my head and kissed him and he put his hand between my legs. What surprised me is that he found my clitoris right the way. Maybe this tells more about my previous boyfriends than anything else. Anyway, we got to second base. It was great. I moaned. I came.

Afterwards, licked and kisses every inch of his body from the neck down to his navel. He moans. I enjoy to see how he reacts to my touches and that also makes me want to do more of it. From his navel, I went down on him. I did not feel as lost an insecure as I have felt until now when I did it on boy for example. This just felt great. I enjoyed it very much. I would love to do it again some time soon. Anyway, he actually stopped me before he came. I do not know why. He told me I was dangerous. It maintains a mystery to me.

However, it was a great night. Didn’t get much sleep though…

Love Mandy

Don’t you ever talk about it…

I cannot Not talk about it. Or feel it. I cannot keep it to myself and feel fine with it.. But I can’t tell you either!

I think I am in love with you, and it hurts. Whenever you touch me, my heart says pang, and starts panicking.. I think I have fallen for you with such power and so hard that I don’t really know how to handle you not being mine, and you leaving in 10 days. Because it is only 10 days, even though you do not want to talk about it. We only have 10 days left, and that hurts..

No matter how hard and for to long, I tried to convince myself you were not my type, I was not attracted to you, but I think, that ever since I got to know you, deep down in my heart I have secretly been longing for you for a long time. You make me so happy! And the last few days, when you have opened up to me, flirted with me in public, you make me even happier! I have no idea how to tell you the things I feel, cause I know we agreed on not making this serious, and that neither one of us wanted anything serious, but for me, with my feelings, it has become serious despite my struggles to make it not!

I will miss you next semester..

Love Betty!

This isn’t about me, so suck it up

We all have more or less emotional baggage from previous and failed relationships. We have been hurt, we have hurt people on the way and we might have trust issues. So how can we start something new?

I am 20 years old. I have baggage and I am terrified of making the same mistakes. Especially with a man I actually like. A lot. Our relationship is a bit problematic. We are grown-ups and yet, we have to hide it from hisparents who are Muslims. There’s an issue that he is dating a white and christian girl (though I am not really practising my religion). He told me that some years ago, his sister had to say no to a boy because grandmother back in Pakistan thought he was the wrong kind of Muslim. Now, she is however engaged to a white man and his family just have had to suck it up. Anyway, we work together and we obviously have to act professional and keep PDA* to a minimum. Two days ago, we had the possibility to kiss to say goodbye at work, but we didn’t. I took it personally.

In my previous relationships, I have really felt taken for granted. One sign of that, have been a lack of affection. The reason why I take this personally, is that I am afraid of not being good enough. I am aware that this is a problem I have in my head and that it isn’t real. That’s why I have to suck it up, get over my issues because this isn’t about me, but about his parent (my boss) and their issues.

Love Mandy   

*Public Disposed Affection

Love bites

When F and I woke up yesterday morning, we discovered that he had “marked” me. You know when somebody kisses or bites on your neck it sometimes leaves a red mark? Well, that’s what happened. I have already mentioned that our relationship has a few issues which aren’t really our issues, but I guess we have to deal with them some day. Basically, his parents wouldn’t like him dating a white girl who isn’t Muslim. Moreover, I work for his dad. I see him at work at least three times a week when I  am not at the University. So imagine my frustration when I discovered a giant red mark on my neck. The most anoying is that I can’t give one back. It won’t show on his skin so I guess I am screwed.

Alright. The photo isn’t really good. It looks worse in real life. An of course, M, one of my co-workers found out. She knew that I was going to the theatre with a boy, but she didn’t know with whom. She guessed and now she knows. Man… she’s good!

Love Mandy

Boyfriend material

These last weeks has been quite strange. I have hung out with F a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. We have gone to the movies, the theatre, we have eaten out, at home, watched Flight of the Concords, the office, funny games us and much other stuff. Every time, I have slept over at his place. In his bed. Next to the wall. With him. And nothing has happened. Until yesterday night. He took me to a really cosy French restaurant after we had watched a play, which by the way was absolutely awesome. A piece after a book of the Norwegian writer Knut Hamsun who also got the Nobel Price of litterature. Anyway, we went home to him. Played scrabble. I won, as usual and I was actually very tired so we hit the sac. But as usual when we sleep together, we could not fall asleep. We had a pillow fight, talked a lot of nonsense and stared at each other for hours. 

After a while, he asked me what I was thinking about and I told him that I thought about the guy who plays Hayden Panettiere in Bring It On All Or Nothing, because I were so happy and I thought I had the same dorky smile. Then I said that usually, it’s the girl who asks that question and I asked him the same. He did not answer. I asked if it was serious. He remained silent and I said that if he wanted, I could just leave it. Aftera few more minutes, I had nearly fallen asleep, basically he told me that he was in love with me but that it did not need to change anything and that he would just keep ignoring his feelings. Hearing that from the the boy I have been into for months sat me a little out and I took a deep breath. A pause. And I told him that I felt the same way about him. And we kissed. And it was great. The passion of two people who has been into each other for a long time, but who never has done anything about it and the experience of something new.

So I guess I have a boyfriend now.

Love Mandy

Ps. For those who wonder, first base only. But it’s cool. I am so wonderfully happy 😀