Conscious

When I started dating boy, I ended up losing my best friend. It sucked. Hard. But I guess that’s life and I just have dealt with it. I hate myself for saying this, but I haven’t got over him. And that really sucks. I used to look a little bit down on people who just couldn’t let go, but now I am one of them. Well, I am not expressing this to anyone. I do not initiate to conversation with him. I keep my distance simply because that is what ex-girlfriends are supposed to do. I think that from day-to-day, it doesn’t bother me much, but when I am all alone in front of my computer, it does. I use way too much time on his FB page… I just realized that I sound pathetic. Really pathetic. I guess I am. As just mentioned, I am crazy busy so it isn’t a problem unless I’m alone. Something I rarely am since I am living together with F.

Yeah, that’s right. I am living together with F. Things are in fact great. He is the nicest BF ever. He is taking me to Istanbul for our one year anniversary. I really look forward to that. He is a way better catch than boy. He has even managed to make me come by going down on me. No one has ever managed that. But he really takes his time. So I should be happy. I am happy. Nevertheless, I miss the best friend I used to have in high school.

Love Mandy

I don’t wanna do it if Diddy did it!

I apologize in advance for the title. I don’t know why, but the South Park episode where Satan holds a Halloween party up on earth has been in my head since I left work. Work is btw great. I have been in a a board meeting for the organisation almost the whole day because we had to go over some economical stuff, which took a while. Anyways, I’m home and really have to study. I have decided to try to blog once a day now. I really want to be this wonder woman who gets everything done 🙂

The last news is that we have told F’s parents that we are together. We did it last night and I still have no idea how they react to this information. I know that his mother started crying after I had left. I think I understand too. In her head, it wasn’t this was it was supposed to be. F should get himself a nice Muslim, Pakistani girls from a good family and with a good education. They should  get married and have a lot of kids. They shouldn’t be dating since that’s forbidden in Islam. I have no idea how this will end. I guess time will tell… I have been a little freaked out by the no reaction they had, but now I’m fine. We are going to my parent’s this weekend. It will be the first time F is introduced to them. I look forward to it.

I had a fight with Boy last evening. I am pretty sick of him wanting to be friends, but at the same time not committing to the friendship. Maybe I shouldn’t be friends with him. In fact, the situation being, I cannot really see how we are. The initiative have to be mutual, which it isn’t. Frankly, I do not even care anymore.  Who am I kidding, I DO care. F***!

Love Mandy

Nothing new

I don’t really know how to start this post. I kind of have nothing new to say. I pass my exams with rather good grades. I will now start my 3rd year of law school this fall. At the moment I work a lot at the restaurant and do not really have a lot of free time. F is working when I am not so we barely see each other. That’s actually really lame.

Boy still speaks to me about his broken heart and he jokes about trying to make me show him my breasts. I find that insulting since I actually loved him once and I really feel like he’s making fun what we had like it was nothing at all. I guess to him, it was not that special. I have told him to stop. He said he’s sorry. I don’t know how long I can keep this “friendship” up. It’s like it is making me hold on to something I know is dead and I don’t think that is healthy. Argh…

Love Mandy

Living and learn

I came back home after a week-end at my folk’s house.It was great coming back. It was great seeing F again. Really cool with the I- haven’t-seen-you-in-a-long-time-sex.

Not so cool with the ex-boyfriend who rants about this broken heart and expect me to tell him what to do.

I did though. What I have learned about bad break-ups is that there is no point beating oneself up. You only can hope to realize that if someone hurts you and make you feel bad, it’s your responsability to leave them.

And I have to tell the person who dumped me this! God damn it…

Love Mandy

Love nest

F and I have moved in together. We got an awesome apartment for rent. The former renter was a guy from Belgium and he is pretty much the reason why we got it. He liked us and apparently, he was the one deciding who were moving in, so lucky with that one. A really good friend of mine helped us with moving everything from my and his place to the apartment. We even went to IKEA to buy some furniture.

It is awesome. We have one bedroom, one living room, one bathroom and a kitcken, plus a little entry hall. It is great to have our own place. I feel like I have these huge responsibilities and I love it. I have found out how you use a Black & Decker, and that is something big because I never thought I had a practical sense. Turns out I have it after all 😛

Love Mandy

Not so bad after all

Yesterday sucked. High on the list over things which suck are situations where your ex, whom you are trying to be friends with again, makes allusions to his or hers sexlife. What sucks even harder is that I cannot say anything because then he will know that it is making me uncomfortable and I do not want to give him that satisfaction.

Luckily, my brown boyfriend’s dad (my boss, also called T) were there to save the day. When he asked me if I could work on Sunday (which is today) and I said yes, he hugged me! He is my Pakistani boss and he has never, ever hugged me. Moreover, I am not really a hugger I am way too shy,so I have never taken any initiative. F was standing right next to us. After T had gone, F and I had a moment. You know when you feel like dancing a dance of victory, but you can’t, so you just do a little dancing on the inside? It was one of those moments. I really think he likes me, which is good, since I am going to make his life hell by telling him that I am dating his son and that we are moving in together livin’ in sin.

Love Mandy

No quitter!

Yesterday someone searched using the sentence “should I quit”. It is something I have been thinking a lot of lately. F and I have planned to tell his parents about us. We have also thought about moving in together, something we are also going to tell them about. In a situation like that, I have two choices. I can either quit before we tell them so I won’t have to deal with their reaction, or I can stay and force them to interact with me. By staying, I am telling them that I am serious and that I am not afraid of what they might think or what the consequences might be. Actually, I am scared, but that is not the message I want to send. I want to make the point that I still want to be a part of the restaurant, even though I am dating their son. I am not courageous. I am terrified of how they are going to react, but I think it is the right thing to do. Moreover, in that way, F is not alone facing his parents. I think that might help him, because admitting that you are having a relationship with a white chick and having sex with her before marriage, to your Muslim parents who wants you to marry your Pakistani cousin, can be pretty ugly…

Love Mandy

Catching up

It has been a while since I have posted now. The reason? I’m having my finals coming up in May and I have much less time now as I am having a boyfriend. I am also trying to be more with my family to show them that I am not changing. It can be a little hard since they are not being very supportive. Anyhow, that is not really an issue I can make mine. I mean, they are the ones having a difficult time accepting I have a brown boyfriend, not me.

As far as ex-boyfriends go, I have dreamt a lot of them lately. Not Boy, but the first one who totally crushed my sweet sixteen heart. I am dreaming that he wants me back and I refuse because he kind of repulses me. Boy has actually talked to me and we have agreed to try to re-bond. I kind of like it. We have agreed that it was nice, but it is now too late and that it will not happen anything romantic between us ever again. That feels good. I have closure.

Love Mandy

Make up sex or angry sex?

I had an argument with F today. It was the third time we had an argument and it has always been about the same thing: racism and prejudice against different cultures. These past few weeks, the question whether the gouvernement should accepting hijab as a part of the police uniform has created a huge debate. The Muslim minority represents about 10 % of the population. Naturally, many people, including myself, are against the legalization. Anyway, those who are for are for the most of them Muslims who use hijab themselves. One of the arguments they use is that they do not want to be a part of a society where the women is objectified and where people has no moral as they are sleeping around. I take this very personally. When we have discussed the issue, I say that I am sick of being judged by people that generalize my culture. Then, F will say something like “yes, but white people are also racist and they do also generalize the Muslim population.” And that is where our argument begins, because to my mind, this isn’t an argument. One cannot justify racist behaviour by another racist  behaviour. I work in a Pakistani restaurant and I can tell that the racism goes both ways. Lately, I have experiences a lot of episodes which makes it a little difficult to work there. Naturally, I take statements like that pretty personally.

So, we had an argument. I explained why I was upset and he understood perfectly why. He didn’t mean anything by it and I knew that, but I still think that somethings aren’t supposed to be justified. And if you still try, it is just very offensive. We made up and had sex.

I do not think it was angry sex nor make up sex. I guess it was because of all the emotions. I feel close to him when I reveal my issues and fears, and sometimes that makes me want to be really intimate with him.

Love Mandy

Why I won’t be friends with my ex

It has been four days since I replied at Boy’s message and yet no answer. I am aware that it is quite difficult answering to “I don’t think we can be friends even thought I might miss spending time with you”. Why can’t you just be friends you might ask. I have a lot of friends who actually manages to remain friends with their exes, so why can’t I?

First of all, we are talking about someone that I have been so intimate on so many levels. The obvious, we have had sex, but we have also grown up together, cried, laugh, meet each others’ families and friends, shared our issues, deapest fears and happiest moments. And then, he won’t be with me anymore because of his insecurities and fear of commitment. And he broke up with me on the phone two weeks before my finals. Do I want to be friends with somebody who can do that to another human being? No. Besides, I do not believe those who keeps in contact with their ex because they’re such good “friends”. I believe it’s because of the boody call. Too bad I have enough self esteem and don’t need sex to feel good about myself.

There is also another matter. I do not trust myself. I have been checking my facebook way to often these past four days. I am scared that I might want to return to him and honestly I do not want to go there. In the end, he made me miserable because I knew that he was having doubts about us and yet, he did not communicate with me, telling me what was wrong. Anyhow, I am now in a relationship with the man I love. I think we are great together and we have reached a level of honest and trust I have never shared with a person. I will not f*** this up.

It might even be that this “problem” only exists in my head. I bet he is not thinking about this. Arghh… I just have to get over it. Again.

Love Mandy