This isn’t about me, so suck it up

We all have more or less emotional baggage from previous and failed relationships. We have been hurt, we have hurt people on the way and we might have trust issues. So how can we start something new?

I am 20 years old. I have baggage and I am terrified of making the same mistakes. Especially with a man I actually like. A lot. Our relationship is a bit problematic. We are grown-ups and yet, we have to hide it from hisparents who are Muslims. There’s an issue that he is dating a white and christian girl (though I am not really practising my religion). He told me that some years ago, his sister had to say no to a boy because grandmother back in Pakistan thought he was the wrong kind of Muslim. Now, she is however engaged to a white man and his family just have had to suck it up. Anyway, we work together and we obviously have to act professional and keep PDA* to a minimum. Two days ago, we had the possibility to kiss to say goodbye at work, but we didn’t. I took it personally.

In my previous relationships, I have really felt taken for granted. One sign of that, have been a lack of affection. The reason why I take this personally, is that I am afraid of not being good enough. I am aware that this is a problem I have in my head and that it isn’t real. That’s why I have to suck it up, get over my issues because this isn’t about me, but about his parent (my boss) and their issues.

Love Mandy   

*Public Disposed Affection

Having trouble sleeping

Co-worker, let’s just call him F from now on, has moved into his new apartment. He did it yesterday and he invited me over after work the same day. I accepted and the plan was that we shouldn’t watch any movies because in that way, I would be able to catch the last subway home. But it didn’t work out as I had planed. We watched a movie, talked, drank wine and before we had actually noticed anything, it was too late for me to go home. Since he has just one room in the apartment and also just one bed, be slept together that night. Anyways, we tried to sleep, but we stayed up talking for hours. We passed out in the same bed and nothing happened.

He hasn’t tried to make a move, not even once. It’s weird. Or no, it’s not. It probably just means that he is not interested. But if that’s the case, it’s really too bad. I like him a lot. He’s great. Really great and I have started to have some seriously erotic dreams about him. This is hard. That’s what she said!I think I am falling, crushing to the ground. On the same time, I keep getting these mixed signals, the looks, something that makes me think that he may just be shy, which I know he is.

By the way, he told me this morning that while I was asleep, I had had some trouble falling asleep because he’d forgot to eat. Suddenly, he thought something dead had fallen on his head, but when he looked closer, it was my hand. In my sleep I had just reached out and put my hand on his head. Charming…

Love Mandy

Honey, I’m home!

Co-worker and I have been living together for about five days now and it’s going great. This is something I could absolutely live with. Even though I was afraid it was going to be weird, it’s not. Yesterday my parents were in town and we went to the theatre. Co-worker stayed at home to work on his philosophypaper. Then, we made pizza and sat on my bed watching old episodes of The Office (US). He’s great! He helps cooking, he makes tea, he does the dishes. Arghh… I’ll miss him…

One thing that isn’t so grat is that his father (my boss) has told him not to speak with me that much at work. Co-worker told me Friday. It wasn’t like I didn’t see it coming. I has my suspicions. I know this shouldn’t be bothering me, but it is. There is an perfect explanation:his father (my boss) is Muslim and even though he has lived here for 30 years, he still doesn’t want his kids to date someone white. I understand that. I really do, but I cannot help but taking it personally. I know my boss is quite fond of me. He has given me new responsibilities at work and I recently got a raise. He has also said in person that he was very glad to have me as an employee. I know I shouldn’t be reacting this way, but I get the feeling that I do a great job, yet, I am not good enough to date his son. And I will most likely never be simply because I am white and not Muslim. Sure I can be a good person, but I would have been a even better person if I were a Muslim. I am troubled… I think I have issues not being good enough…

Just for the record, co-worker doesn’t think that way. He is very Muslim light as he would never ask his girlfriend to convert to Islam. He also takes a glass of wine or scotch whenever he wants to, he never does Ramadan and he thinks religion should be something private. Because of his choice of living this way, he is not really on good therms with his parents. He moved out against their will and they don’t know that he is living at my place…

Love Mandy

What the h… was I thinking?!?

To make a long story short, co-worker is moving in with me in two days. It is nothing permanent. He was going to rent a new apartment, but the Spaish guy who lives there doesn’t speak English so there was some misunderstanding about when he was supposed to move out. Co-worker therefore found himself without a place to live until the 13th. AT work sunday, he seemed a bit frustrated. He is generally a very nice guy, so it’s quite easy to see when something bothers him. I asked and he told me about his precaire livingsituation. I aksed him if he had a place to sleep that night and he told me he was crashing on a friend’s coach. There are three bedrooms in my apartment and one of them is empty so I said that if he needes a place to sleep, he could come to my place. He looked at me a bit perplex and I think it troubled him a little. Yesterday, he called and took me up on the offer. He is moving in on Thursday. I am REALLY looking foreward to it. I hope it won’t be a disaster. 

Love Mandy

Goofing around

Once again I was invited to co-worker’s apartment. He made we a wonderful meal. I am not just saying it to be nice, it was really great. We talked a lot and he is just extraordinary. Then, I kind of planed to make my move, he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. I said sure and he started the grossest film I have ever seen. It is made by an Italian and it is called something like 120 days in sodora, I do not really remember the name. Anyway, if you are familiar with the saw-films, I can tell you that this one was 100 times worse: men and women being sexually abused, tortured and forced to eat crap. I kind of agreed to watch it and I sort of knew what it was about, but I had no idea it would be so bad. I mean, the plot reminded me of Battle Royale, only in Battle Royale the horrors has a purpose. Here it was completely random and insane. Needless to say, a movie like this does NOT make you want to make a move.

When it was finished, we discovered that it was 02.30 in the morning. Once again I slept in his bed. He made me breakfast in the morning and absolutely nothing happened. The next evening we goofed around at work. And the evening after that as well.

I really like this guy…

Love Mandy

It’s a date then, or at least a late dinner

Coworker called me yesterday to invite me over to is place Thursday. I believe his exact words was “Mandy, I want to cook for you” which kind of made me smile. As you surely know, there is a common belief that when a woman wants to cook for you, she does also want to sleep with you. However, this probably does not apply to the male part of the population. Moreover, this will be the second time he has made me a meal and nothing has happened. I might just take a shot and kiss him as I start to have some serious fantasies about him. I also have to break the pattern of being a coward when it comes to these kind of situations. Yeah… I think I may try that out…

Love Mandy

The other

My friendship with co-worker has reached the point where we have opened up to the other about our love-life situation. And guess what. He has been in love with a girl for 3 years. We were talking about a journalist our age who writes for a journal we both like. He told me he had met the journalist trough a girl he “had been in love with” for 3 years. To this information he added: “I think we have kind of the same problem.” I have earlier briefly mentioned my ended relationship with boy to him and that I now have cut off all contact with him. And I guess I said something about doing quite fine even if I maybe shouldn’t. That probably explains co-worker’s last statement even though it isn’t really a problem anymore. Boy is history and I am actually quite fine with it.

Anyway, this probably means that he still is on love with her and in that case, it would be stupid for me to make a move. A part of me is realised because now, I do not need to get myself together and kiss him, but the other part is, I hate to admit it, jealous. Co-worker explained me what he is reading in philosophy (that is what he is studying at the university) and I couldn’t help but thinking that the girl he is in love with must be someone extraordinary simply because he is such a great, cool, interesting and handsome person. I consider myself as a good girl and someone easy to be in a relationship with, but I may be a little afraid of not being able to compete with a person like that. It is also possible that I make up this perfect version of her in my head, something which is quite easy since I don’t know her at all.

On the other hand, there is a small possibility that he is no longer in love, or that he is heartbroken. I do not know how that is any better though. Maybe it isn’t. One thing is at least sure: now I really don’t know what to do!

Love Mandy 

PS. School and work is killing me. It cannot go on like this. I cannot study 8 hours a day and then work 7 hours in the evening/ at night. Just had to get that out. Most likely, I will just continue working my butt off.

Breakfast club

I am not sure of anything right now. I went to Co-workers place for dinner and movie night some days ago. It was really nice. He made me lasagna. I do not think any boy has cook for me before, so it was really sweet. Anyway, we talked a lot and then we started to watch Code Unknown, a French film, which by the way, is one of the most powerful movies I have ever seen. Anyway, once it was over, he asked: shall we watch one more? At this moment, it was about 11 pm and though I am not really known for my spontaneous behaviour, I said yes. I pointed however out that if so was the case, I would probably have to take a cab home. He told me that I could sleep over. I looked at him for about three seconds and asked him if he was sure. He said yes and I said OK. Then he asked me if I was serious and I confimed. He said cool and we watched another movie, this time Russian.

I slept in his bed while he slept on the coach. He gave me one of his t-shirts to sleep in and that was it. Nothing happened. He has not made a move, not even once. What does this tell me? I think he may not be that into me. Anyhow not in a romantic kind of way. He just likes to spend time with me. We have planned further movie nights.

The next morning, he made me breakfast. I couldn’t help thinking that he would be the perfect partner: handsome, cultivated and being able to cook.

Love Mandy

Forever friends?

Things are slowly evolving with my co-worker. At least I think they are. He has invited me over at his place tomorrow for late dinner and a movie. I finish school quite late. He also asked me which perfume I use and complimented it. Either he is gay (which I know i not the case), or he was flirting. Anyway, this time I have decided that I will not analyse the situation and try to find out weather it is a date or not. I will assume it is just a friend thing. On the other hand, he is going to cook for me! Arghh… I am so screwed…

Love Mandy

I almost forgot.. I have a blog!

School is killing me. Work is killing me. It has come to the point where I spend 98 % of my time at work and at the library. This is absolutely not to rant about my pathetic issues since I know many of us are in the same situation. The curriculum is huge… but I tend to be quite hardcore, so I’ll manage. I just want to point out that I’ve got nothing to say and even less time to work on my personal life. All I can say is that I really look forward to hear about Betty’s adventures in the US. Oh yes, I almost forgot, my roommate and I are planning to go to a gay bar, just to try it out. We have spoken of it and I get more end more sure that almost every girl I know fantasise about being with another girl. Smooth.

A few updates on co-worker: we are going out to eat crepes (french pancakes) and drink cider. Then, we will watch a film. We have plenty we haven’t seen yet and since we both enjoy being film geeks… I think we will actually see it at his place (yes, he has his own flat). I do not know when we are going, but it will probably be in the near future. The only backside is that I have to go through the “oh-my-god-is-it-a-date?!?-hell” again.

Love Mandy