In the process of breaking my own heart..

Not because I intend to, and definately not because I want to! Actually, I am trying to not feel anything. Distance myself. This seems to be almost impossible though! Last night a tear fell down my cheeks and my heart hurt so that I could not sleep. Who said life was easy… The weird thing being: I am in the process of breaking my own heart, yet I am having the time of my life! I feel that this is just what one has to go through, and even though it hurts, I know that it just have to happen! I will get over it, I will manage, my heart will heal. I will survive! I am having the best time of my life, great sex and I am heartbroken 😀 What more could one wish for? Isn’t life supposed to be about living? And if one does not get hurt, one does not live life to the fullest, right?
Love Betty!!!

The other

My friendship with co-worker has reached the point where we have opened up to the other about our love-life situation. And guess what. He has been in love with a girl for 3 years. We were talking about a journalist our age who writes for a journal we both like. He told me he had met the journalist trough a girl he “had been in love with” for 3 years. To this information he added: “I think we have kind of the same problem.” I have earlier briefly mentioned my ended relationship with boy to him and that I now have cut off all contact with him. And I guess I said something about doing quite fine even if I maybe shouldn’t. That probably explains co-worker’s last statement even though it isn’t really a problem anymore. Boy is history and I am actually quite fine with it.

Anyway, this probably means that he still is on love with her and in that case, it would be stupid for me to make a move. A part of me is realised because now, I do not need to get myself together and kiss him, but the other part is, I hate to admit it, jealous. Co-worker explained me what he is reading in philosophy (that is what he is studying at the university) and I couldn’t help but thinking that the girl he is in love with must be someone extraordinary simply because he is such a great, cool, interesting and handsome person. I consider myself as a good girl and someone easy to be in a relationship with, but I may be a little afraid of not being able to compete with a person like that. It is also possible that I make up this perfect version of her in my head, something which is quite easy since I don’t know her at all.

On the other hand, there is a small possibility that he is no longer in love, or that he is heartbroken. I do not know how that is any better though. Maybe it isn’t. One thing is at least sure: now I really don’t know what to do!

Love Mandy 

PS. School and work is killing me. It cannot go on like this. I cannot study 8 hours a day and then work 7 hours in the evening/ at night. Just had to get that out. Most likely, I will just continue working my butt off.

On the road again

I am talking about the road of single life. I am single, in my best years and a good way to just ignore a broken heart is to just f*** around. Betty did it, why should not I? As a girl, I have no problem getting laid. If I want sex, I can just go out, begin to talk with some random dude and it will be done. It is really that easy. I have tried. And I who thought these things only happened on TV.

I am a student. At the moment I live alone a city. It is technically my apartment, so I have loads of freedom. Therefore, I can go out whenever I want and lately, I really have been going out. I love dancing. When I dance I am a cat and not to brag off, but I am attracting when I dance. Anyway, dancing is a great way to get to know somebody. If a man can dance, he is more likely to be good in bed. If the physical attraction is right on the dance floor, chances are that they are in the bed room too. I like just dancing my way through the dance floor. If you start dancing with somebody, it is really easy to get a little intimate with that person and end up spending the rest of the night at his (or hers) place. For a long time, I haven’t done anything about these random meetings and exchanging of body heat, but a while ago, I did. I was out, dancing a little away from my friends when a guy started to move up behind me. At first, I just ignored him, but then I thought, what the hell. I can’t know if I am ready unless I try, so I went for it. The dancing went little by little from normal dancing to intimate. When we kissed, I knew it was done… We continued a little while before I drag him over to the bar. Then we went home to his place.

When I go out, I am totally sober. I like to have control over myself when I am out and especially if I am going to sleep with someone, I wouldn’t like to ruin that because I am drunk. Moreover, people generally are more attractive when they are sober and have the guts to flirt without being drunk first.

So, how was it. It was nice. Kissing in the hall. Undressing ourselves as we went to his bedroom, kissing. We tumbled into his bed in our underwear, kissing, me on top, he reaching out to put his hands under my bra, taking it off, touching my breasts, licking them, biting my nipples. The foreplay was quick, but I came. He fingered me, I went down on him, then we did it. Me on top, doggy, and my favorite, a form of doggy with me on my knees on the floor leaning on the bed with him close against me. He came in that position. We went to bed afterwards, naked. He fell asleep and I got dressed and left. It was four in the morning and I headed home. I like going home late at night. At four/five, most of the clubs are closed (I live in a place where they normally close at three) so the streets are deserted. Entering my apartment, I didn’t want to sleep, so I made myself a cut of tea and went out in the balcony. I think I neededthis night. Even though I don’t need the affirmation of men to know I am attractive, it makes me feel better. I have still got it (tsss). I just needed to verify that.

Love Mandy