Conscious

When I started dating boy, I ended up losing my best friend. It sucked. Hard. But I guess that’s life and I just have dealt with it. I hate myself for saying this, but I haven’t got over him. And that really sucks. I used to look a little bit down on people who just couldn’t let go, but now I am one of them. Well, I am not expressing this to anyone. I do not initiate to conversation with him. I keep my distance simply because that is what ex-girlfriends are supposed to do. I think that from day-to-day, it doesn’t bother me much, but when I am all alone in front of my computer, it does. I use way too much time on his FB page… I just realized that I sound pathetic. Really pathetic. I guess I am. As just mentioned, I am crazy busy so it isn’t a problem unless I’m alone. Something I rarely am since I am living together with F.

Yeah, that’s right. I am living together with F. Things are in fact great. He is the nicest BF ever. He is taking me to Istanbul for our one year anniversary. I really look forward to that. He is a way better catch than boy. He has even managed to make me come by going down on me. No one has ever managed that. But he really takes his time. So I should be happy. I am happy. Nevertheless, I miss the best friend I used to have in high school.

Love Mandy

I don’t wanna do it if Diddy did it!

I apologize in advance for the title. I don’t know why, but the South Park episode where Satan holds a Halloween party up on earth has been in my head since I left work. Work is btw great. I have been in a a board meeting for the organisation almost the whole day because we had to go over some economical stuff, which took a while. Anyways, I’m home and really have to study. I have decided to try to blog once a day now. I really want to be this wonder woman who gets everything done 🙂

The last news is that we have told F’s parents that we are together. We did it last night and I still have no idea how they react to this information. I know that his mother started crying after I had left. I think I understand too. In her head, it wasn’t this was it was supposed to be. F should get himself a nice Muslim, Pakistani girls from a good family and with a good education. They should  get married and have a lot of kids. They shouldn’t be dating since that’s forbidden in Islam. I have no idea how this will end. I guess time will tell… I have been a little freaked out by the no reaction they had, but now I’m fine. We are going to my parent’s this weekend. It will be the first time F is introduced to them. I look forward to it.

I had a fight with Boy last evening. I am pretty sick of him wanting to be friends, but at the same time not committing to the friendship. Maybe I shouldn’t be friends with him. In fact, the situation being, I cannot really see how we are. The initiative have to be mutual, which it isn’t. Frankly, I do not even care anymore.  Who am I kidding, I DO care. F***!

Love Mandy

Argh…

Sometimes I find myself in situations I don’t like. I consider myself as a good person so I try to do the right thing. But quite often, I fail. And I have to recognize that my way wasn’t the right way to do things.

Sometimes, I make my man insecure. And we all know, there is nothing worse than being insecure in a relationship. I make him insecure in bed because I do not always respond to his approaches. I understand that. I understand that very well since my ex-boyfriend did something similar to me. I never thought I would be that person in the relationship. I have never been that person.

What do I do? I try to do something about it. And I explain why I fall out. Blame it on the stress. I know it’s a cliche, but it’s true.

On another note, my ex-boyfriend is using me for relationship advice. Or more advice on how to get over a girl and mend his broken heart. Pathetic, I know. I think I dislike him for doing that. I shouldn’t take it. If I was a little more intelligent and a little less “good girl”, I would stop. But I don’t. And that says a more about me than about him. Damn, I just made him cry… F***

Love Mandy

Catching up

It has been a while since I have posted now. The reason? I’m having my finals coming up in May and I have much less time now as I am having a boyfriend. I am also trying to be more with my family to show them that I am not changing. It can be a little hard since they are not being very supportive. Anyhow, that is not really an issue I can make mine. I mean, they are the ones having a difficult time accepting I have a brown boyfriend, not me.

As far as ex-boyfriends go, I have dreamt a lot of them lately. Not Boy, but the first one who totally crushed my sweet sixteen heart. I am dreaming that he wants me back and I refuse because he kind of repulses me. Boy has actually talked to me and we have agreed to try to re-bond. I kind of like it. We have agreed that it was nice, but it is now too late and that it will not happen anything romantic between us ever again. That feels good. I have closure.

Love Mandy

Why I won’t be friends with my ex

It has been four days since I replied at Boy’s message and yet no answer. I am aware that it is quite difficult answering to “I don’t think we can be friends even thought I might miss spending time with you”. Why can’t you just be friends you might ask. I have a lot of friends who actually manages to remain friends with their exes, so why can’t I?

First of all, we are talking about someone that I have been so intimate on so many levels. The obvious, we have had sex, but we have also grown up together, cried, laugh, meet each others’ families and friends, shared our issues, deapest fears and happiest moments. And then, he won’t be with me anymore because of his insecurities and fear of commitment. And he broke up with me on the phone two weeks before my finals. Do I want to be friends with somebody who can do that to another human being? No. Besides, I do not believe those who keeps in contact with their ex because they’re such good “friends”. I believe it’s because of the boody call. Too bad I have enough self esteem and don’t need sex to feel good about myself.

There is also another matter. I do not trust myself. I have been checking my facebook way to often these past four days. I am scared that I might want to return to him and honestly I do not want to go there. In the end, he made me miserable because I knew that he was having doubts about us and yet, he did not communicate with me, telling me what was wrong. Anyhow, I am now in a relationship with the man I love. I think we are great together and we have reached a level of honest and trust I have never shared with a person. I will not f*** this up.

It might even be that this “problem” only exists in my head. I bet he is not thinking about this. Arghh… I just have to get over it. Again.

Love Mandy

Period!

I have my period. All my life, well, all my sexual active life what does that word even mean (Juno)my ex-boyfriend have run away from my bed whenever I have had my period. Therefor I have always assumed that I boys think this is grose and that they force themselves to sleep in my bed. This time, I told F that I had my period and he asked me if the dealio was that he wouldn’t be able to touch me once a month. I answered that we could always do it in the shower. F looked at me and asked “do you mean that we actually can have sex?” I told him that yes, we could. “But don’t you loose lust?” “No, why do you think that?” And then I started to think about all the myths males create about girl-things because they simpley don’t have a clue.

I thought I should clear out some things. I have no medical answeres to this. I only respond from my personal point of view.

Do women loose interest in sex when we have our period?

I guess it is individual. Maybe it is because it can be embarrassing and quite dirty with all the bloody mess. I also think it is considered bit of a taboo having sex while having ones period. In my opinion, no, it has nothing to do with that. Then again, you might talk to your woman about this, since I wouldn’t take my word for the undiscutable truth. Personally, I just think it can be inconvenient doing it in the bed. Nevertheless, I love doing it even though I bleed. There are so many other places we can do it. Like in the bathroom. In front of the sink. And the mirror. 

Love Mandy

Say hello to my little friend

Have you noticed that when people talk about sex, it’s always great. Always. And you feel like a complete idiot because you know that it doesn’t always work that way? Does this sound familiar? You are not alone.

I am going to admit something I have never told a soul. Until yesterday. I have never had a clitoral orgasm with a boy. In fact, the only way I have experienced one is with the though of my little friend. This is not something you want to brag about. And as a woman, I would never say it to my mate. This doesn’t mean I am faking it. When he goes down on me, I love it. It feels really good and I wouldn’t change it for anything. Yet, I do not climax. I have never told anybody because I am afraid of hurting his feelings. I can only imagine how I would reacted if I discovered that I couldn’t make my partner climax. That would be a serious damage to my self confidence. Also, I haven’t told anybody because secretly I do not want to be that vulnerable in front of somebody else. Anyway, I have a lot of small reasons I tell myself to make it sound better. Of course, I have no excuse.

Yesterday, F and I lay in his bed and he asked me about how things work with me. I hesitated, then I told him that I have never reached orgasm without an electric toy. It was pretty embarrassing for me to say it. And obviously, he did not like to hear it. He was glad that I told him, but his first reaction was (obviously) that his manly self esteem was hurt.

We talked it through. He had some trouble performing in the evening. We re-talked it over. I want him to be a part of it. He think he is ready. We did it again this morning. It was tender and quite nice. I really have the best boyfriend ever.

Love Mandy

Damn…

I just realized that F and I never can break up. I mean, we have done so many things together that I love so if we ever break up, I must stop doing them and that would really suck. These are some of the things that will forever be associated with him:

1. The Office US (Ryan the sexy temp, Fire-guy, Jim&Pam, Dwight’s beet farm)
2. “That’s what she said” jokes
3. “Been there done that” jokes
4. Flight of the Conchords
5. Passolini
6. Derrida
7. Pakistan (obviously, his parents are from there)
8. My part time job (we work together)
9. My boss (his father)
10. Philosophy especially methaphysics (he is studying it, 4th year)
11. The area of town where he lives
12. Smoke (a cat we have seen several times in the park)
13. Sadistic films such as Salo, Funny games and the Anatomy of hell
14. Zombies
15. Squash and tennis (which we have been playing a lot together)
16. Ties from the seventies (I love the way he wears them!)
17. Espresso
18. Tea from Palais des thes
19. Tutter
20. Mango Lassi

I tried to say this as a joke to him, but it got kind of awkward. When I said “we can’t ever break up” as we were watching the office, he replied”do you want to break up?!?”. So I guess it’s the same with break-up jokes as hilarious aids jokes: they don’t exist. Oh… That’s another one that will for always be associated with F.

Love Mandy

The L-word

So… It has been said. One night. We were wrapped up in each others’ arms. We were kissing and he said it.

“I love you”

Three little words. Just like that. So easy. Natural.

I guess I looked a little surprised because he repeated it. Smiled and hugged me. A lot of things went through my head. I do not have issues with these words. Not anymore. Everything felt right. I want it so bad. Yet, it was maybe too soon. Aren’t there rules for this? According to some religious and cultural rules, we shouldn’t even be doing what we were doing, so I decided to screw the rules. Normal is the watchword.

“I love you too”

There. It’s said. I’m vulnerable again.

Love Mandy

Hm…

Why do parents need to make things much more complicated than they really are? I would never have believed this, but it is a real issue that I have a brown boyfriend. We have the same nationality and he was born and has grown up in this country. His parents though are from Pakistan, but they have lived here for 25 years. Why is this an issue? Why do I have to come home for the holidays and listen to worried parents who tell me that they do not like “this situation“? This is not my issue so I won’t turn it into one. Anyway, it pisses me off! I’m a grown-up for for God’s sake!

Love Mandy