Conscious

When I started dating boy, I ended up losing my best friend. It sucked. Hard. But I guess that’s life and I just have dealt with it. I hate myself for saying this, but I haven’t got over him. And that really sucks. I used to look a little bit down on people who just couldn’t let go, but now I am one of them. Well, I am not expressing this to anyone. I do not initiate to conversation with him. I keep my distance simply because that is what ex-girlfriends are supposed to do. I think that from day-to-day, it doesn’t bother me much, but when I am all alone in front of my computer, it does. I use way too much time on his FB page… I just realized that I sound pathetic. Really pathetic. I guess I am. As just mentioned, I am crazy busy so it isn’t a problem unless I’m alone. Something I rarely am since I am living together with F.

Yeah, that’s right. I am living together with F. Things are in fact great. He is the nicest BF ever. He is taking me to Istanbul for our one year anniversary. I really look forward to that. He is a way better catch than boy. He has even managed to make me come by going down on me. No one has ever managed that. But he really takes his time. So I should be happy. I am happy. Nevertheless, I miss the best friend I used to have in high school.

Love Mandy

Crazy chick

Why does Boy turn me into this needy, crazy girl who is longing for his attention even though we are not together anymore? I hate the person I am letting myself become in his presence. I have long said that it’s only a question of self control. You have to create situations where you can be the person you want to be. But I am still this little uepathetic girl who wants him to like me and give me attention. Pathetic is what I am. If I burn all the bridges I know I will be able to be more normal. It worked the last time. Then he apologized and it all started over again. I’ll just have to do that I guess. But I don’t want to. I want him to be the best friend he once were. Guess that got f***ed up when he fell in love with me and then dumped me. It’s over and it will always be over. Suck it up Mandy. Deal with it. It’s a reason it’s over.

Love Mandy

I don’t wanna do it if Diddy did it!

I apologize in advance for the title. I don’t know why, but the South Park episode where Satan holds a Halloween party up on earth has been in my head since I left work. Work is btw great. I have been in a a board meeting for the organisation almost the whole day because we had to go over some economical stuff, which took a while. Anyways, I’m home and really have to study. I have decided to try to blog once a day now. I really want to be this wonder woman who gets everything done 🙂

The last news is that we have told F’s parents that we are together. We did it last night and I still have no idea how they react to this information. I know that his mother started crying after I had left. I think I understand too. In her head, it wasn’t this was it was supposed to be. F should get himself a nice Muslim, Pakistani girls from a good family and with a good education. They should  get married and have a lot of kids. They shouldn’t be dating since that’s forbidden in Islam. I have no idea how this will end. I guess time will tell… I have been a little freaked out by the no reaction they had, but now I’m fine. We are going to my parent’s this weekend. It will be the first time F is introduced to them. I look forward to it.

I had a fight with Boy last evening. I am pretty sick of him wanting to be friends, but at the same time not committing to the friendship. Maybe I shouldn’t be friends with him. In fact, the situation being, I cannot really see how we are. The initiative have to be mutual, which it isn’t. Frankly, I do not even care anymore.  Who am I kidding, I DO care. F***!

Love Mandy

What’s the point really?

I am working a lot at my new job as a student pro bono legal councilor. It’s really great. I am learning to se a very theoretical subject through the fates of people who need legal advice. I like it a lot. You really get the feeling that you can help people make their everyday life just a little easier.

As far as BFs go, I am good. We are telling F’s parents in two days, which could be interesting since they have recently told him they want him to start looking for a Muslim girl.

I’ll keep you posted 🙂

Love Mandy

Can’t stop

Can’t stop thinking of what could have been. In this moment, I truly hate myself for doing that. Because there is no point. I should just get over it. But I haven’t. It has been more than one f***ing year. Yet, everything is the same. I am sorry. I don’t think my feelings have changed. I am sorry. I should be a better person…

Love Mandy

Argh…

Sometimes I find myself in situations I don’t like. I consider myself as a good person so I try to do the right thing. But quite often, I fail. And I have to recognize that my way wasn’t the right way to do things.

Sometimes, I make my man insecure. And we all know, there is nothing worse than being insecure in a relationship. I make him insecure in bed because I do not always respond to his approaches. I understand that. I understand that very well since my ex-boyfriend did something similar to me. I never thought I would be that person in the relationship. I have never been that person.

What do I do? I try to do something about it. And I explain why I fall out. Blame it on the stress. I know it’s a cliche, but it’s true.

On another note, my ex-boyfriend is using me for relationship advice. Or more advice on how to get over a girl and mend his broken heart. Pathetic, I know. I think I dislike him for doing that. I shouldn’t take it. If I was a little more intelligent and a little less “good girl”, I would stop. But I don’t. And that says a more about me than about him. Damn, I just made him cry… F***

Love Mandy

Nothing new

I don’t really know how to start this post. I kind of have nothing new to say. I pass my exams with rather good grades. I will now start my 3rd year of law school this fall. At the moment I work a lot at the restaurant and do not really have a lot of free time. F is working when I am not so we barely see each other. That’s actually really lame.

Boy still speaks to me about his broken heart and he jokes about trying to make me show him my breasts. I find that insulting since I actually loved him once and I really feel like he’s making fun what we had like it was nothing at all. I guess to him, it was not that special. I have told him to stop. He said he’s sorry. I don’t know how long I can keep this “friendship” up. It’s like it is making me hold on to something I know is dead and I don’t think that is healthy. Argh…

Love Mandy

Getting married!

No, I am not the one. Neither is Betty or atleast as far as I am concerned. One of my best friends at law school is! She told me today. Yesterday her BF proposed and she got this amazing engagement ring.

She is in more or less the same situation as I am. Only, she is a Muslim, and is dating sorry, engaged with a white boy.

Anyways, congratulations N! Really proud of you 😀

Love Mandy

Living and learn

I came back home after a week-end at my folk’s house.It was great coming back. It was great seeing F again. Really cool with the I- haven’t-seen-you-in-a-long-time-sex.

Not so cool with the ex-boyfriend who rants about this broken heart and expect me to tell him what to do.

I did though. What I have learned about bad break-ups is that there is no point beating oneself up. You only can hope to realize that if someone hurts you and make you feel bad, it’s your responsability to leave them.

And I have to tell the person who dumped me this! God damn it…

Love Mandy

Really?!?

When I logged on this morning I saw “pakistani hotsex womans” in the top search window. I have only one thing to say in homage to Kyle in South Park when Bush tried to convience him that the government was behind 9/11: REALLY?!?

On the matter of inappropriate things to “say” I am at home to attend a confirmation tomorrow. You know I just got a really cool job, right? Any parent should be thrilled. Nevertheless, one of the first things my mom said when I came was “my god Mandy, you really have put on weight!”.

What the F***? Nice to see you too mom… This doesn’t even surprise me anymore. Anyhow.. what the f***?

Love Mandy