Conscious

When I started dating boy, I ended up losing my best friend. It sucked. Hard. But I guess that’s life and I just have dealt with it. I hate myself for saying this, but I haven’t got over him. And that really sucks. I used to look a little bit down on people who just couldn’t let go, but now I am one of them. Well, I am not expressing this to anyone. I do not initiate to conversation with him. I keep my distance simply because that is what ex-girlfriends are supposed to do. I think that from day-to-day, it doesn’t bother me much, but when I am all alone in front of my computer, it does. I use way too much time on his FB page… I just realized that I sound pathetic. Really pathetic. I guess I am. As just mentioned, I am crazy busy so it isn’t a problem unless I’m alone. Something I rarely am since I am living together with F.

Yeah, that’s right. I am living together with F. Things are in fact great. He is the nicest BF ever. He is taking me to Istanbul for our one year anniversary. I really look forward to that. He is a way better catch than boy. He has even managed to make me come by going down on me. No one has ever managed that. But he really takes his time. So I should be happy. I am happy. Nevertheless, I miss the best friend I used to have in high school.

Love Mandy

Crazy chick

Why does Boy turn me into this needy, crazy girl who is longing for his attention even though we are not together anymore? I hate the person I am letting myself become in his presence. I have long said that it’s only a question of self control. You have to create situations where you can be the person you want to be. But I am still this little uepathetic girl who wants him to like me and give me attention. Pathetic is what I am. If I burn all the bridges I know I will be able to be more normal. It worked the last time. Then he apologized and it all started over again. I’ll just have to do that I guess. But I don’t want to. I want him to be the best friend he once were. Guess that got f***ed up when he fell in love with me and then dumped me. It’s over and it will always be over. Suck it up Mandy. Deal with it. It’s a reason it’s over.

Love Mandy

Nothing new

I don’t really know how to start this post. I kind of have nothing new to say. I pass my exams with rather good grades. I will now start my 3rd year of law school this fall. At the moment I work a lot at the restaurant and do not really have a lot of free time. F is working when I am not so we barely see each other. That’s actually really lame.

Boy still speaks to me about his broken heart and he jokes about trying to make me show him my breasts. I find that insulting since I actually loved him once and I really feel like he’s making fun what we had like it was nothing at all. I guess to him, it was not that special. I have told him to stop. He said he’s sorry. I don’t know how long I can keep this “friendship” up. It’s like it is making me hold on to something I know is dead and I don’t think that is healthy. Argh…

Love Mandy

Lame (updated) (UPDATED)

Some friends and I had a discussion some days ago about what the worst way of being dumped is. Here are some of the different situations and ways to make it worse we came up with:

– Dumped over the phone while you are calling

– Dumped by SMS dumped by a free SMS

– Walking in on your BF/GF having sex with someone that someone being your best friend, you mother/father or sister/brother

– Realizing you are dumped when you see that your BF/GF have changed their status on Facebook seeing that they have just started a new relationship

These are all pretty bad scenarios. I have experiences the first one myself. You remember boy? My ex BF? Remember that we try to be friends and that he was dating this one girl? Well… he just broke up with her by changing his status on Facebook…

I have nothing to say. I can only say what Cartman said when he realized Kyle didn’t have the picture of him with Butter’s wiener in his mouth after all: lame…

Love Mandy

 

Updated 16.05.09

Apparently they are still together. The change in the status quo was only to prove a point or to get attention. He means that she is never taking the initiative to hang out with him. To fake a break-up by changing your realtionshipstatus on Facebook  in order to get attention from your BF/GF seems like a healthy relationship….

Love Mandy

 

Updated 19.05.09

They have broken up. I do not know why I care, he did the exact same thing to me as she did to him. I should be happy because now, he is suffering, just like I did. But I don’t feel that way. It is just lame. I only have one thing to say: Not cool. Not cool.

Love Mandy

Catching up

It has been a while since I have posted now. The reason? I’m having my finals coming up in May and I have much less time now as I am having a boyfriend. I am also trying to be more with my family to show them that I am not changing. It can be a little hard since they are not being very supportive. Anyhow, that is not really an issue I can make mine. I mean, they are the ones having a difficult time accepting I have a brown boyfriend, not me.

As far as ex-boyfriends go, I have dreamt a lot of them lately. Not Boy, but the first one who totally crushed my sweet sixteen heart. I am dreaming that he wants me back and I refuse because he kind of repulses me. Boy has actually talked to me and we have agreed to try to re-bond. I kind of like it. We have agreed that it was nice, but it is now too late and that it will not happen anything romantic between us ever again. That feels good. I have closure.

Love Mandy

Why I won’t be friends with my ex

It has been four days since I replied at Boy’s message and yet no answer. I am aware that it is quite difficult answering to “I don’t think we can be friends even thought I might miss spending time with you”. Why can’t you just be friends you might ask. I have a lot of friends who actually manages to remain friends with their exes, so why can’t I?

First of all, we are talking about someone that I have been so intimate on so many levels. The obvious, we have had sex, but we have also grown up together, cried, laugh, meet each others’ families and friends, shared our issues, deapest fears and happiest moments. And then, he won’t be with me anymore because of his insecurities and fear of commitment. And he broke up with me on the phone two weeks before my finals. Do I want to be friends with somebody who can do that to another human being? No. Besides, I do not believe those who keeps in contact with their ex because they’re such good “friends”. I believe it’s because of the boody call. Too bad I have enough self esteem and don’t need sex to feel good about myself.

There is also another matter. I do not trust myself. I have been checking my facebook way to often these past four days. I am scared that I might want to return to him and honestly I do not want to go there. In the end, he made me miserable because I knew that he was having doubts about us and yet, he did not communicate with me, telling me what was wrong. Anyhow, I am now in a relationship with the man I love. I think we are great together and we have reached a level of honest and trust I have never shared with a person. I will not f*** this up.

It might even be that this “problem” only exists in my head. I bet he is not thinking about this. Arghh… I just have to get over it. Again.

Love Mandy

The angel from my nightmare

Like the ghost of what I used to listen to when I was in high school (Blink), Boy has made a reappearance in my life. I have had nothing to do with him over the last 6 months, but one week ago he send me a message on facebook. I am not friends with him on facebook so I didn’t know he could do that. But I guess you can.

Anyway, he basically told me he regretted that he had acted like a total ass and that if it was anything he could do, I could just tell him. I also got the impression that he missed me.

 I answered a couple of days later that I was glad he send me the message to apologize. I also said that I am very happy right now and that there are not much he can do. Forgiving is not my strongest side, especially when it comes to ex-boyfriends. Nevertheless, I do forgive him. I also said that I guess I miss hanging out with him, but I can’t see us becoming friends again.

This is so typical. Why does it take almost a year for a boy to realize that I was the most awesome, most super blond girlfriend ever? I do not want to go back that road. I didn’t like the person I became in the end. I dealt badly with the fact that he wasn’t independent at all and therefore didn’t step up for us as a couple or take responsibilities, that he had no motivation for school, that he freaked out whenever I tried to talk about the future and that I wanted to have sex more than he did. Though I miss him a little.

Maybe in another life when we’re both cats.

Love Mandy

The pittyparty is over, so over

Boy broke up with me over the phone three months ago after two years of being together. The question was, can I still be friends with him?

By dumping somebody, you cannot help sending out the message that the person is not good enough for you. Or at least I thought. I have used far too much time and energy on this matter, on being hurt and on turning the page. Now I have realized that it’s not me, it’s him. He is the one with self-esteem issues who is not committed to a relationship. I did not really do anything wrong. He did. And no, I cannot stay friends with someone who thinks I am a person worth dumping on the freaking phone. His loss. What surprises me is that I do not miss him that much.

PS I do not like ranting about the past, but I cannot hide it troubles me being dumped. Now, I am officially over it and I will never mention it again. If I do, you are allowed to kick my a**. I will deserve it.

Love Mandy

Drunkposting

I’m drunk. I have just finished two bottles of wine with my sister and my friend who is living with me. It is quite fun to have a girls night. Anyway, it is just to say that I think that I am over Boy. I haven’t even wanted to drunk dial him once. And I think that is quote an achievement coz mmaaan, I am drunk… heheheee on the other hand, I want to call my co-worker coz he is nice. And the fact that he is smart kind of turns me on 🙂 I am surprised that I managed to make the links to “co-worker” and “boy”, I am almost proud

Btw, Betty is in the USA at the moment… I miss you! Wish you were here! And being drunk makes me want to make out with u.

Loooove Mandy