I don’t wanna do it if Diddy did it!

I apologize in advance for the title. I don’t know why, but the South Park episode where Satan holds a Halloween party up on earth has been in my head since I left work. Work is btw great. I have been in a a board meeting for the organisation almost the whole day because we had to go over some economical stuff, which took a while. Anyways, I’m home and really have to study. I have decided to try to blog once a day now. I really want to be this wonder woman who gets everything done 🙂

The last news is that we have told F’s parents that we are together. We did it last night and I still have no idea how they react to this information. I know that his mother started crying after I had left. I think I understand too. In her head, it wasn’t this was it was supposed to be. F should get himself a nice Muslim, Pakistani girls from a good family and with a good education. They should  get married and have a lot of kids. They shouldn’t be dating since that’s forbidden in Islam. I have no idea how this will end. I guess time will tell… I have been a little freaked out by the no reaction they had, but now I’m fine. We are going to my parent’s this weekend. It will be the first time F is introduced to them. I look forward to it.

I had a fight with Boy last evening. I am pretty sick of him wanting to be friends, but at the same time not committing to the friendship. Maybe I shouldn’t be friends with him. In fact, the situation being, I cannot really see how we are. The initiative have to be mutual, which it isn’t. Frankly, I do not even care anymore.  Who am I kidding, I DO care. F***!

Love Mandy

No quitter!

Yesterday someone searched using the sentence “should I quit”. It is something I have been thinking a lot of lately. F and I have planned to tell his parents about us. We have also thought about moving in together, something we are also going to tell them about. In a situation like that, I have two choices. I can either quit before we tell them so I won’t have to deal with their reaction, or I can stay and force them to interact with me. By staying, I am telling them that I am serious and that I am not afraid of what they might think or what the consequences might be. Actually, I am scared, but that is not the message I want to send. I want to make the point that I still want to be a part of the restaurant, even though I am dating their son. I am not courageous. I am terrified of how they are going to react, but I think it is the right thing to do. Moreover, in that way, F is not alone facing his parents. I think that might help him, because admitting that you are having a relationship with a white chick and having sex with her before marriage, to your Muslim parents who wants you to marry your Pakistani cousin, can be pretty ugly…

Love Mandy

Make up sex or angry sex?

I had an argument with F today. It was the third time we had an argument and it has always been about the same thing: racism and prejudice against different cultures. These past few weeks, the question whether the gouvernement should accepting hijab as a part of the police uniform has created a huge debate. The Muslim minority represents about 10 % of the population. Naturally, many people, including myself, are against the legalization. Anyway, those who are for are for the most of them Muslims who use hijab themselves. One of the arguments they use is that they do not want to be a part of a society where the women is objectified and where people has no moral as they are sleeping around. I take this very personally. When we have discussed the issue, I say that I am sick of being judged by people that generalize my culture. Then, F will say something like “yes, but white people are also racist and they do also generalize the Muslim population.” And that is where our argument begins, because to my mind, this isn’t an argument. One cannot justify racist behaviour by another racist  behaviour. I work in a Pakistani restaurant and I can tell that the racism goes both ways. Lately, I have experiences a lot of episodes which makes it a little difficult to work there. Naturally, I take statements like that pretty personally.

So, we had an argument. I explained why I was upset and he understood perfectly why. He didn’t mean anything by it and I knew that, but I still think that somethings aren’t supposed to be justified. And if you still try, it is just very offensive. We made up and had sex.

I do not think it was angry sex nor make up sex. I guess it was because of all the emotions. I feel close to him when I reveal my issues and fears, and sometimes that makes me want to be really intimate with him.

Love Mandy

This isn’t about me, so suck it up

We all have more or less emotional baggage from previous and failed relationships. We have been hurt, we have hurt people on the way and we might have trust issues. So how can we start something new?

I am 20 years old. I have baggage and I am terrified of making the same mistakes. Especially with a man I actually like. A lot. Our relationship is a bit problematic. We are grown-ups and yet, we have to hide it from hisparents who are Muslims. There’s an issue that he is dating a white and christian girl (though I am not really practising my religion). He told me that some years ago, his sister had to say no to a boy because grandmother back in Pakistan thought he was the wrong kind of Muslim. Now, she is however engaged to a white man and his family just have had to suck it up. Anyway, we work together and we obviously have to act professional and keep PDA* to a minimum. Two days ago, we had the possibility to kiss to say goodbye at work, but we didn’t. I took it personally.

In my previous relationships, I have really felt taken for granted. One sign of that, have been a lack of affection. The reason why I take this personally, is that I am afraid of not being good enough. I am aware that this is a problem I have in my head and that it isn’t real. That’s why I have to suck it up, get over my issues because this isn’t about me, but about his parent (my boss) and their issues.

Love Mandy   

*Public Disposed Affection

Honey, I’m home!

Co-worker and I have been living together for about five days now and it’s going great. This is something I could absolutely live with. Even though I was afraid it was going to be weird, it’s not. Yesterday my parents were in town and we went to the theatre. Co-worker stayed at home to work on his philosophypaper. Then, we made pizza and sat on my bed watching old episodes of The Office (US). He’s great! He helps cooking, he makes tea, he does the dishes. Arghh… I’ll miss him…

One thing that isn’t so grat is that his father (my boss) has told him not to speak with me that much at work. Co-worker told me Friday. It wasn’t like I didn’t see it coming. I has my suspicions. I know this shouldn’t be bothering me, but it is. There is an perfect explanation:his father (my boss) is Muslim and even though he has lived here for 30 years, he still doesn’t want his kids to date someone white. I understand that. I really do, but I cannot help but taking it personally. I know my boss is quite fond of me. He has given me new responsibilities at work and I recently got a raise. He has also said in person that he was very glad to have me as an employee. I know I shouldn’t be reacting this way, but I get the feeling that I do a great job, yet, I am not good enough to date his son. And I will most likely never be simply because I am white and not Muslim. Sure I can be a good person, but I would have been a even better person if I were a Muslim. I am troubled… I think I have issues not being good enough…

Just for the record, co-worker doesn’t think that way. He is very Muslim light as he would never ask his girlfriend to convert to Islam. He also takes a glass of wine or scotch whenever he wants to, he never does Ramadan and he thinks religion should be something private. Because of his choice of living this way, he is not really on good therms with his parents. He moved out against their will and they don’t know that he is living at my place…

Love Mandy