Biggest fears…

My biggest fears: ending up alone. I feel like guys like me, adore me and fancy me, but they never grow to love me. I have had a couple of guys I have really liked, even been on the verge of falling in love with, but it has never been mutual. I feel like they do not see me as a future, they see me as a fling right now. I want someone to fall in love with me, I do not want to end up alone, and I need to know that I am fall-worthy. Get it?

I had a fight/discussion with E yesterday. He does not want to hurt me in May, yet he does not know how he feels and how he wants to do things then. At the same time, it is always on his mind, and keeps him from feeling for me. I have it the same way, but at the same time, I am letting myself go a little, and keeping the possibility of falling for him open. Stupid bitch, that’s me. But I can’t help it. He’s got so many qualities that I look for in a man, and I kinda, even though I do not love him or have fallen for him yet, wanna keep him.
xx Betty!

Make up sex or angry sex?

I had an argument with F today. It was the third time we had an argument and it has always been about the same thing: racism and prejudice against different cultures. These past few weeks, the question whether the gouvernement should accepting hijab as a part of the police uniform has created a huge debate. The Muslim minority represents about 10 % of the population. Naturally, many people, including myself, are against the legalization. Anyway, those who are for are for the most of them Muslims who use hijab themselves. One of the arguments they use is that they do not want to be a part of a society where the women is objectified and where people has no moral as they are sleeping around. I take this very personally. When we have discussed the issue, I say that I am sick of being judged by people that generalize my culture. Then, F will say something like “yes, but white people are also racist and they do also generalize the Muslim population.” And that is where our argument begins, because to my mind, this isn’t an argument. One cannot justify racist behaviour by another racist  behaviour. I work in a Pakistani restaurant and I can tell that the racism goes both ways. Lately, I have experiences a lot of episodes which makes it a little difficult to work there. Naturally, I take statements like that pretty personally.

So, we had an argument. I explained why I was upset and he understood perfectly why. He didn’t mean anything by it and I knew that, but I still think that somethings aren’t supposed to be justified. And if you still try, it is just very offensive. We made up and had sex.

I do not think it was angry sex nor make up sex. I guess it was because of all the emotions. I feel close to him when I reveal my issues and fears, and sometimes that makes me want to be really intimate with him.

Love Mandy

On being friends with your ex!

I just read Mandy’s latest post, and I thought I should offer my own thoughts about this matter. I have 2 ex-boyfriends, or two I would really call just that because I do not count 2 months relationships into this account. I have 2 ex-boyfriends, and I manage to stay friends with one of them, and friendly with the other.

Reasons: E#1, broke my heart. Completely. I was young, in love, naïve and unexperienced. I had just moved away from home and felt that on my psychological state as well. I did not see it coming, and I have never felt so lost in my entire life. I lost 20 pounds in two months, didn’t eat, didn’t sleep at all og slept all day, did bad at school and had little contact with other human beings in general. Now, my ex, let’s call him C, dumped me, and a week after, he found himself a girlfriend from an online dating-site. Keep in mind I had been depressed for two months, but suddenly it all dawned on me. His freaking loss. In many ways, I felt bad for him, and I still do. Some background facts tells me that his behaviour has a lot to do with the behaviour of the people around him when he grew up. He’s got a few siblings, none with a shared father. His mother has had several unstable relationships and men coming and going through the years and I believe that this has made him who he is, and not able to cope with attachment very good. (It shall also be mentioned that he has had countless of girlfriends both before and after me, and all seem to last around 1 to 1,5 years!)

I stay friends with him, both because he once used to be a very good friend of mine which guided me through my ups and downs, but also because I see that he deep down is a good person, not to defend his actions, I still think what he did to me, and the other girls make him an idiot (cheating bastard, that is!), but I feel like one should be able to forgive, forget and live in ‘harmony’ with each other.

Ex #2: Is a very resent ex. I broke it off because I was going abroad and did not want to be attached back home while away. I wanted to be free. While visiting for x-mas, he persumed we were still in a ‘pseudo-relationship’ and sort of thought that everything would be like before I left for a couple of weeks. My feelings for him were gone. Yet I felt guilty for not feeling the same way he did. I might have been the ‘bad-guy’ in this situation, but I had not done anything wrong, just simply lost my feelings for him. And that’s allowed, now isn’t it?

I stay sporadically in touch with him because he used to be a very good friend. We started out as friends, and were friends for nearly 4 years before anything happened between us. My friendship with him was what it all started out as, how can I discard that? I know he still has feelings for me, but I would love to be friends with him. Am I weird? I also feel kinda bad for dumping him, even though we both agreed on it, I felt like I dumped him all over again over x-mas. He cried, several times, and I couldn’t stop feeling sorry for him.

That’s all folks!

Betty!

Why I won’t be friends with my ex

It has been four days since I replied at Boy’s message and yet no answer. I am aware that it is quite difficult answering to “I don’t think we can be friends even thought I might miss spending time with you”. Why can’t you just be friends you might ask. I have a lot of friends who actually manages to remain friends with their exes, so why can’t I?

First of all, we are talking about someone that I have been so intimate on so many levels. The obvious, we have had sex, but we have also grown up together, cried, laugh, meet each others’ families and friends, shared our issues, deapest fears and happiest moments. And then, he won’t be with me anymore because of his insecurities and fear of commitment. And he broke up with me on the phone two weeks before my finals. Do I want to be friends with somebody who can do that to another human being? No. Besides, I do not believe those who keeps in contact with their ex because they’re such good “friends”. I believe it’s because of the boody call. Too bad I have enough self esteem and don’t need sex to feel good about myself.

There is also another matter. I do not trust myself. I have been checking my facebook way to often these past four days. I am scared that I might want to return to him and honestly I do not want to go there. In the end, he made me miserable because I knew that he was having doubts about us and yet, he did not communicate with me, telling me what was wrong. Anyhow, I am now in a relationship with the man I love. I think we are great together and we have reached a level of honest and trust I have never shared with a person. I will not f*** this up.

It might even be that this “problem” only exists in my head. I bet he is not thinking about this. Arghh… I just have to get over it. Again.

Love Mandy

The angel from my nightmare

Like the ghost of what I used to listen to when I was in high school (Blink), Boy has made a reappearance in my life. I have had nothing to do with him over the last 6 months, but one week ago he send me a message on facebook. I am not friends with him on facebook so I didn’t know he could do that. But I guess you can.

Anyway, he basically told me he regretted that he had acted like a total ass and that if it was anything he could do, I could just tell him. I also got the impression that he missed me.

 I answered a couple of days later that I was glad he send me the message to apologize. I also said that I am very happy right now and that there are not much he can do. Forgiving is not my strongest side, especially when it comes to ex-boyfriends. Nevertheless, I do forgive him. I also said that I guess I miss hanging out with him, but I can’t see us becoming friends again.

This is so typical. Why does it take almost a year for a boy to realize that I was the most awesome, most super blond girlfriend ever? I do not want to go back that road. I didn’t like the person I became in the end. I dealt badly with the fact that he wasn’t independent at all and therefore didn’t step up for us as a couple or take responsibilities, that he had no motivation for school, that he freaked out whenever I tried to talk about the future and that I wanted to have sex more than he did. Though I miss him a little.

Maybe in another life when we’re both cats.

Love Mandy

Is it such a thing as too big? My very own Mr. Big!

I think that sex is best with a person you really like. How the sex is, can in many cases determine how a relationship turns out. As for me, I thought it was going to be awekward sex with E because I was his first. However, I have learned that not all guys are like my ex. Some guys learn fast, and let’s say ‘have the talent’ for sex. E is one of these. Even though he’s still kinda insecure, don’t always know what to do, and don’t always last very long, it is some of the best sex I have ever had. Orgasm almost everytime, and man, size doesn’t always matter (if the small one’s know how to use it..), but size is GOOD!!!

Yes he is big. The biggest I have ever had, the biggest I will probably ever have. Yet I have a concern that I hope some of you might help me with. Some times it hurts when he trusts into me (since it is so big, it gets in deep). Now, I know that I am elastic in there, and I know this sounds naïve, but can it be to big? That is, too big to trust all the way in without ruining anything in there?? It sometimes feel like someone is grabbing my uterise and dragging it out. Not very pleasant. Thankfully, he is a very considerate man, and stops when it hurts. And other than that, the sex is terrific 😀

XOXO Betty!